Geostorm Review

Geostorm is a film that features Gerard Butler, Andy Garcia, Ed Harris, Abby Cornish, and some other people who act their way through the film.

Alrighty, here goes:

The world was going to shit due to extreme weather, so instead of people turning their ways around, Gerard Butler and his swarthy team build a satellite system to control the weather.

Then Gerard Butler loses control due to being a rogue and his younger brother gets control.

Then a few years later Gerard Butler is called into action once more when things start happening to the space station that controls the satellite system.

This movie was so bad and I loved almost every minute.

The acting is mostly serviceable, some characters make some incredible leaps about why someone did something…

The child actor is bad. “He’s going to come back because he promised”. Kid, Gerard Butler only came back because he rode in a satellite that was found whilst the space station was exploding.

“You get us a car. I’ll get us a president.”

One of the most glorious moments, said by Andy Garcia: “I’m the president of the United States”. Yes you are Andy Garcia. Yes you are.

Almost every line of dialogue is on the nose without fail.

Timer before the titular Geostorm (yes, it deserves to be treated as a proper noun) hits, which surprisingly gets stopped at the last second by Gerard Butler.

Airplane falls out of the sky due to being frozen to try and kill some lady who runs into a dead end street in order to run away from an instant-freeze cold wave that started just off of a beach that seems to be able to get everyone, including seagulls which rain from the sky except for her and of course the plane does not hit her but instead hits the ground near her.

There was a dog that appeared near the end, which left me feeling relieved because I didn’t know if I was meant to care or not until that point. You can imagine just how relieved I was when the dog survived.

Gerard Butler variable beard length.

Characters introduced as though they’ll be important but have little to no purpose. Of course, one is evil.

Extreme weather events disappearing very quickly after the Geostorm is prevented.

I don’t think I’ve seen such a large amount of water recede that fast.

The satellite system is capable of using a heat death laser.

Guy in a mini car manages to outrun a heatwave earthquake but later dies by getting pushed into traffic.

Cartoon spaceship.

I give Geostorm a 10/10. It was sooooo bad. So wonderfully bad.


About Stupidity Hole

I'm some guy that does stuff. Hoping to one day fill the internet with enough insane ramblings to impress a cannibal rat ship. I do more than I probably should. I have a page called MS Paint Masterpieces that you may be interested in checking out. I also co-run Culture Eater, an online zine for covering the arts among other things. We're on Patreon!
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