Rouge Juan: A Star Wars Story Review

Now that would’ve been an awesome story!

Before anyone jumps the gun, I think that Rouge Juan is a better title than Rogue One. It might not have been as fitting (strict might there), but it has an air of romanticism and adventure that draws you in. Rogue One sounds uninspired, bland and flat.


Actually, before I start I’m going to use the phrase “spoiler warning” to indicate that there may be spoilers.

Spoiler warning: There may be spoilers.
There may also be swearing.

Rogue One is about the stealing of the design document of the Death Star which are stupidly kept intact in one location instead of spread out among a bunch of different places, leaving one to wonder if the Galactic Empire were asking for their demise.

The plot follows a bunch of people that have no character development (which is fine), unless it’s so subtle that a stationary brick moves more overtly.

Along the way there’s FAN SERVICE and some plot.

Characters are mostly there to spit out lines and stand around. Sometimes they’ll do something like say “I’m done running”, then commit suicide instead of doing something better, like aid the main characters as much as possible.

The best character in the film by far is not Darth Vader. Who gives a flying shit if Darth fucking Vader is in the film? He doesn’t have much relevance and is there to force in more FAN SERVICE with as much success as putting a square peg in a circular hole. It has no real place in the film.

It’s the Mon Calamari admiral by far. He doesn’t fuck around, doesn’t like fucking around and is the only one who gives enough of a shit to go and help out the main characters (and their swarthy band of associates) because he knows that there’s shit that needs to be done and, no matter the chances, it’s better to fight than give in because there is still a chance to succeed.

Being a proactive character despite the odds is far more worthy of respect than something that has been beating us over the heads for a long time.

Too much of the Rebel Alliance is full of gutless idiots.

To be fair to this film, a lot of the scenes are decent. The problem is that as a whole, they don’t quite feel like they work.

The tone is far more uneven than it should be. Some things that should be threats are easy enough to take down and the mood bounces around between grim and light-hearted.

The pacing is mostly alright until near the last fifteen minutes, when the film decides to throw more at you than it had previously done so.

After seeing Rogue One I didn’t care who Jyn Erso was. I didn’t care who any of the main characters were. I didn’t care that they died or that they obtained the design document for the Death Star. It was expected and because there was no real reason to like them beyond “we’re stealing the plans”, they are ultimately forgettable.

You don’t have to like any character in a film, but they should at least have something that makes them worth having in the film. Saying lines and following direction is not enough.

I cared who the Mon Calamari admiral was.

Also Disney, come talk to me when you make the main character a black female or Icelandic. Until then, stop trying to pretend that you give a shit about diversity.

I don’t care if that sounds cynical. I don’t care what gender or nationality the actors are. I care about whether they do a good job or not and here they haven’t done much of a good job.

Despite all this ranting, the film was alright. Not good. Just alright.

Oh. The robot was somewhat cool.


About stupidityhole

I'm some guy that does stuff. The standards. Creating amazing effigies, scaling mountains using my feet only and replacing the very fabric of reality. Serious time! I enjoy writing. I make music in some of my spare time. Currently working somewhat full time and studying as well. Also working on self-improvement. Hoping to one day fill the internet with enough insane ramblings to impress a cannibal rat ship. I have a page called MS Paint Masterpieces that you may be interested in checking out.
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