I was going through some of the things I had written a while ago when I came across this retelling of an event from 2010.
Some would consider it uncouth or lacking in taste.
However, I’ve decided to share it as I feel it is humorous.
Aside from removing a sentence that didn’t quite work and replaced it with the name of a location, this is unedited.
I hope you enjoy.
I love toilets. They’re great. Really supportive of the packages you drop off into their waters.
I haven’t always had a good experience though.
A few weeks back, I’m walking towards Balls Head. On the way to there, there’s a fairly decent sized park with one of those toilets with the automatic doors that seemed to start showing up all over the place around 2005.
I needed to use it, so in I go. A voice comes over when the door shuts and tells me that I’ve got ten minutes. Okay. That should be more than enough time.
I sit down on toilet and then some piano music starts playing. It was a tune that I know I’ve heard many a time, but can’t remember where. Oh well.
So, whilst I’m sitting down unleashing my waste, I notice that my pee is going onto the floor. Not from over the seat though, but between it and the bowl.
The seat had a few of these large bump things on the underside of it that left a gap between it and the bowl. A big enough gap to pee through unintentionally.
So I have to slow my flow. Alright.
Anyway, I’m sitting there, when I hear the voice say that the internal scanners couldn’t sense motion and for me to move around if I was still in there, or the door would unlock. So I wave my arms. Nothing happens. I move my legs. Nothing happens. I wave my arms and move my legs. Nothing happens. Okay then. I get off the toilet, with my pants and boxers around my ankles and hop around for 20 seconds before the sensors detect me. Then the voice thanks me and tells me my time has been extended.
I go back to the toilet and finish off, start wiping myself slowly as the toilet paper was button press and didn’t really come out quickly. Then the voice tells me it can’t detect me again. So off I am, hopping around again for a bit longer this time before they detect me again.
I finish off, wash my hands and leave as quickly as possible. I felt as though something had been taken from me. I don’t know what, I just know.