Panic Attacks

On Wednesday two weeks ago I woke up earlier than usual. As I had gone to sleep late, I was quite tired.

Shortly after 2p.m. at work I was assisting a customer with an issue pertaining to a request I made a decision to deny based on some prior information on their account. The call ended up going for a bit longer than expected and left me with little time to complete the main part of my role (which runs from 8a.m. to 3.p.m. and then an hour to do reporting as well as assist other parts of my team). As I didn’t have much sleep I began to feel stressed. Then I realised I had very little time left to keep working which led to me having a panic attack.

Almost as if on cue, the inept manager started yelling which made things worse. I had to keep working though.

Unfortunately after the call I had to make a few calls to assist in the issue. They didn’t go well (for me) as I was trying to talk (which was difficult) and not start audibly freaking out. Thankfully I was able to get through them without too much issue.

I managed to get my main work completed before 3p.m. I felt quite relieved as the stress reduced significantly.

I cycled home via Red Eye Records (as a record I requested came in). When I was near there I had to stop at traffic lights and found myself in a position with a double-decker bus behind me and a taxi in front of me. As soon as the lights changed for traffic to move someone ran out in front of the cab to cross the road.

I’m not sure if the taxi or bus driver did it, but one of the two honked their horn. It was loud enough to put me feeling a bit on edge again, but that passed quickly.

After relaxing a bit when I arrived home home I went to turn on my record player.
I switched it on at the power point and the record player came on immediately.
I then noticed that the volume had been turned up to maximum on the amplifier.

A few weeks ago Je had a birthday party (which was a few weeks after his birthday). He wanted to use the record player to play records but I did tell him that if any of the records were damaged, he’d be paying for them.

Anyway, I went to his bedroom when I saw this and told him. He said he didn’t turn it off at the power point but apologised for turning the amplifier to max.

I turned the amplifier down and put the new record on. Sound was only coming out of the amplifier. I was starting to get a bit stressed about this. I checked the back and everything looked normal.

I tried the radio and that played fine so I had no idea what was going on.

It took me a few minutes to work out that the turntable had been unplugged and plugged back into the wrong sockets. When I unplugged it a bit of the back of the base came off.

Now the record player I have is old. It’s at least thirty years. It could be forty.

The guy who owned it lived next door to were Ewe works. When he passed away a lot of his stuff was donated to Ewe’s work to sell.

I bought his record player. Ewe let me give a few a go, but the one he owned and used was the one that grabbed me the most. The sound quality on it is amazing as well as the needle. I also wanted to make sure that it would go where it would be looked after.

Anyway, it was a slight bit damaged at the back of the base but it wasn’t worrying as the damage hadn’t progressed further so I was quite angry when I saw he piece come off the back. It was slender; about half a centimetre wide and four centimetres long. I was furious.

I had Je come downstairs and pointed out to him. He gave an apology that sounded somewhat disingenuous and told me about how he tried to plug the speakers into his iPad at one stage but sound would only come out of one of the speakers. He asked how did I know it was more damaged and I explained it to him.

He asked if I checked it every time I use it in a rude way and I told him I did (which I don’t, but I do check it a lot).

We went back and forth about what happened for a few seconds until he said something along the lines of “You have to understand that it still works and it’s not that badly damaged and it’s not like anyone will ever notice”. I replied with “Whether it works or not is irrelevant” and went on to tell him that he should’ve been more respectful.

He was standing around for a while after this. I asked him why he was and he said he was thinking about how it could be fixed. Then he walked away.

On Thursday I woke again with little sleep.

I went to work and shortly after I started I was heading to the kitchen to prepare breakfast. One of the first things that was said to me that day by one of my co-workers stepping out of the kitchen was “You wouldn’t believe what they’ve done with Little Annie. They’ve made her a darkie.”

I asked him why it mattered so he went on to explain how she was meant to be a red-headed white girl.

I can understand someone getting frustrated about a character not being portrayed as they are usually are, but there are far better ways of saying it.

When I came back from the kitchen I saw that the co-worker was complaining about it to some others and said “And the main villain is white, so it’s now all politically correct. I mean geez Hollywood; there are more important things to worry about”.

That is almost verbatim.

I approached and threw in my two cents about it and was told to piss off. It wasn’t my conversation but it was still highly offensive and incredibly stupid.

The rest of the day was spent working for the most part. I ended up having another panic attack though as I felt quite stressed. The yelling manager again did his yelling thing which both triggered the attack and made it far more intense than it could have been.

I tried to keep working as much as I could. When it passed I spoke to my manager about leaving early. He was fine with it and also told me to take Friday off if I wasn’t feeling too good.

I finished up an hour earlier than usual. I tried to relax by doing some gaming but it didn’t help. I almost had another panic attack.

Other than having family dinner at my un-ex’s place as her brother and sister-in-law were heading overseas for a couple of weeks and sleeping over there, I didn’t do much.

On Friday I stayed home as I was very unsure of how I would handle work. I did very little and whilst I felt stressed at some points (mostly because I needed to get work done and wasn’t at work to do it), I came out okay.

Saturday was alright. I avoided going to a party as I didn’t feel to great about my ability to function and ended up having a mostly relaxing day.

Then on Sunday I had another panic attack.

Ili had invited me to come to the beach with a couple of his friends. I was looking forward to it, although not sure if I was going to go or not.

I had felt a bit panicky in the morning and it became full blown when I couldn’t find my bucket hat as I wanted to wear it and had it for eight years by this point. I was also a slight bit behind in time as I took my futon out to air and shaved for some reason.

When I couldn’t find my bucket hat I started panicking more. I had to tell Ili in the end that I couldn’t make it and ended up lying on my bed frame doing nothing for around two hours until I found the bucket hat when it occurred to me to look in the bag full of early Christmas presents I had received.

Since then I’ve been mostly okay. Had points where I’ve felt another would occur, but nothing yet.

I think a lot of it has to with caffeine intake (which has been higher for me than usual) as I’ve been trying to get my tea stock reduced fast, so if I slow down there I’ll probably be able to handle crap a bit better.

Hopefully I don’t have to worry about them in the future.


About stupidityhole

I'm some guy that does stuff. The standards. Creating amazing effigies, scaling mountains using my feet only and replacing the very fabric of reality. Serious time! I enjoy writing. I make music in some of my spare time. Currently working somewhat full time and studying as well. Also working on self-improvement. Hoping to one day fill the internet with enough insane ramblings to impress a cannibal rat ship. I have a page called MS Paint Masterpieces that you may be interested in checking out.
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