Yesterday morning I saw a guy rollerblading along a road usually used by many buses.
My mother tried to get back into my life a few days ago. Roughly four hours after this, she sent me a long message trying to make me feel bad.
I don’t talk to either of my parents for good reasons. However, that’s for another day.
Still talking to my ex. It’s still silly talk but I’m happy with that. It still feels restrained but that’s okay. I don’t expect full on serious conversation and I am enjoying the conversation far more than I’d like to admit as it’s one of the best conversations I’ve had in a while.
Although last night I’m pretty sure I stuffed up again.
The conversation did get serious for a brief period and it seemed as though my ex was a bit down, so I sent her a hug. I thought it was the right thing to do because hugs can make people feel a lot better, but now I think it was the wrong thing to do as communication ceased immediately after.
Maybe I’m reading too much into it but I can’t shake the feeling I’ve managed to ruin something I’ve been enjoying again and I’m not feeling great anymore.
What’s wrong with me? Why do I do things like this?
I know it doesn’t seem like a big thing but for me it is.
I’m enjoying the communication so very much and instead of saying just how much I’m enjoying it or not saying anything at all, I don’t and say it was weird because it felt a bit weird to me, despite it being something I was completely appreciative of regardless.
Then I make a gesture that whilst I did because I wanted to help in some way, was most likely too inappropriate at this stage.
Seriously. What is wrong with me?
I do want to tell her how I feel and all the other stuff and then do the cry and cry and cry thing but that is something I definitely will not do.
It’s not about suppressing my emotions.
It’s that I know it is the wrong thing to do. It would only serve to push my ex further away and I don’t want to do that.
I’m so grateful for her talking to me on any level, so why would I want to ruin that?
Funnily enough, I may have already.
If she asked, I guess I would tell her.
If she didn’t and conversing continued, I’d be happy.
I’d be happy either way, so long as I can keep talking to her.