I Still Miss Her

I’m trying hard to keep it together and continue on with life. Really hard.

In the morning when I wake up I still expect my ex to be there, but she isn’t and I then I feel sad. Why am I still thinking it will be any different?

I tried contacting her on Saturday before her work start time and she didn’t answer, so I sent a message. She hasn’t responded.

I wanted to see how she was doing but I’m guessing she’s not going to let me know.

Why am I feeling so down from this?
Why am I now feeling unsure of what I’m going to do from here on?

I don’t know if I regret falling in love with her or not. Part of me really wishes I didn’t and thinks it has been one of the worst decisions I’ve ever made.

Everything I used to enjoy now feels slightly off. I don’t get any real enjoyment out playing instruments anymore, something that used to feel natural to me. Seeing films used to be an event. Now it feels like a chore. Socialising feels more like an obligation whereas before it was something to look forward to.

So many things I have are a reminder of her but I can’t get rid of most of them because they’re things I need. I also am  really fond of them.

With that being said, so far those three years have been the best of my life.

I felt like the luckiest man alive.

She was someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I was certain I was going to.

She was someone I wanted to make as happy as I possibly could.

She always knew how to make me happy.

She was the reason I went to and from work with a smile.

There were certainty tough times but I still value what we had highly.

I miss her so much and I’m barely coping.

I know I don’t need her in my life. I’m functioning fine without her.

Am I?

I don’t know.

I want to hold her so tightly and laugh and be stupid and see her smile again.

Her smile was so fucking beautiful to me. It made her so much more irresistible than I already felt she was.

She has no obligation to talk to me; even on a friendship level. I really wish she would though because I still want her in my life in some capacity.

At the same time I ask myself why I keep waiting and holding out and hoping that I’m given the slightest of chances to show my worth. Why?

Because I love her.

Why am I even posting this? What if she reads this? The possibility is making me paranoid because I don’t want her to see this but I’ve whored myself out already so what’s the point in stopping?

All I want to do is tell her how much she means to me and how I was stupid and that I can be a much better partner and that I can make her happy and just cry and cry because I’m a hopeless idiot who is only good at fucking up and letting the people I love and want to make happy and grow with walk out of my life and she’d hold me and she’d stroke my hair and she’d tell me it’s all right. That it’s all okay.

But I don’t think it’s going to happen and it’s killing me.

About Stupidity Hole

I'm some guy that does stuff. Hoping to one day fill the internet with enough insane ramblings to impress a cannibal rat ship. I do more than I probably should. I have a page called MS Paint Masterpieces that you may be interested in checking out. I also co-run Culture Eater, an online zine for covering the arts among other things. We're on Patreon!
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