Finding You part 1

She broke up with me.
The woman I loved more than I ever thought I could broke up with me.
I did not take it well, to say the least.
I could’ve handled myself better, but instead I engaged in sarcasm, punched a wall and kicked over a bin.
She said she still cared about me and loved me, but she was no longer in love with me.
She also said that she still wanted to be a part of my life and still wanted to be my friend.
I refused.
What a stupid thing to do.

The following day I went out for ANZAC day with a housemate (we’ll call him Je) and a good friend (Ewe) as I really needed to get out of the house.
I ran into my ex’s cousin and her friend at a pub. We chatted throughout the day and they still want to be friends. That made me feel a bit better about the whole thing.
Towards the end of the day, Ewe told me things I need to stop doing, such as always sweating the small stuff. It was a fair call.

Two days later on a Sunday I called my ex and had a slight meltdown, begging her to reconsider and unintentionally making a statement that came across as heavy guilt tripping. It was a very bad move. I had started to come into the the persona of the man in pain at this stage. She said she didn’t think she could and the conversation ended shortly after. I was miserable. There was a person who was an integral part of my life suddenly removed and I felt I was completely powerless to do anything about it. Even though it was a completely stupid thought to entertain in this situation, especially considering my age, I did think about suicide. However, this was dropped quite quickly when I realised the futility of that path.

I also decided to cut myself off from Facebook for a while. This had less to do with the break up though and more something I had been considering for a fair while. Facebook doesn’t make me happy a lot of the time, so I figured it would be better to stop using it for a while. The break up helped me make the decision.

A bit later on that evening, another good friend of mine (Fe) came around. We had a long chat about what had happened. I was still denying a good part of my role in the whole breakdown of the relationship at this stage, mostly because I was feeling quite alright with Fe around. But when he was gone I started feeling pretty sad again.

That Monday I woke up very early in the morning and could not get back to sleep. My appetite had not been strong since the break up and it had become weaker at this stage.
I went to work feeling miserable, hoping that I could perk up there as I would be surrounded by people that are good at keeping my mind off the things that make me feel sad.
However, it did not work.

I had to head to uni later for a lecture. Whilst I was there, I decided that it would be better if I cut contact from another good friend of mine who had been consoling me (Na), as she has her own serious problems and I didn’t want to bog her down with my crap.

Later that night I called my ex again, apologising for all my bullshit and telling her that she had nothing to apologise for. I told her that I wished for another chance but I wasn’t going to ask her because I didn’t want her to feel like I was forcing her into the decision. It was at this point I started to realise that a fair bit of the reason the relationship broke down was on me. You know that whole cliché about taking things for granted and not realising what you have until it’s gone? Well, it’s easy to dismiss until that which you care about is no longer there. It was really hitting me hard at this stage. I had no idea what I was going to do now that the woman I loved was not by my side anymore.

I woke up really early that Tuesday. I tried to get back to sleep. However, my body had other ideas as to what would is a good time to be wide awake. Apparently around 4am is a great time to be active during a week of work and uni.
I tried getting back to sleep for a while. When this failed, I decided to start exercising. I didn’t have anything better to do. Outside of cycling, I hadn’t done much exercise for a while, mostly due to being unwilling to work with a bad knee, shoulder and foot. Normally this would still be the case. However, something snapped in me that morning.
After starting with some basic exercise, I decided to fight for the woman I love.

I then went for a jog whilst it was still dark. I realised that there were a lot of things I had to change about myself if I were to have a chance. Not so much who I am, but my general attitude as well as a strong negativity that I’ve carried with myself for too long.
When I got home, I still had time to kill (it was around 6am at this stage) so I decided to start sweeping the back yard; something that had not been done for a fair while.

Eventually, around 7:20 and against my own judgement,  I called my ex again. I told her that I was not going to ask for another chance and instead I was going to try and earn another chance. I told her that I did not know how but I did know where to start and that was with my negativity. I told her I was not expecting her to give me another chance and to just watch and see if I was worth giving another one. There was silence from her and when I asked why, she advised she was overwhelmed by what I said. She did agree to watch though. It was all I was going to ask. I had also decided to ask the same thing of Na as well as my ex’s family as I felt I had to show a lot of people I was capable of being a better person.

I spoke to Na later that day and apologised for telling her I was going to disappear for a while. I told her I was going to change for the better and be a better friend and show others that I’m going to be a better person and show my ex that I’m worth another chance. However, I did this for around 2 hours instead of letting Na talk in any capacity beyond a few sentences. Talking about me a lot is one of my major flaws and something that I’ve let get in the way of my friendship with Na, making it very one-sided. It’s something else I need to work on.

During that week I was able to apologise to most of my ex’s family for my behaviour as well. This is something I felt I had to do as even though I also care about them a lot, I’ve avoided being around them a lot more than I should have. This is due to my being horrible at time management and letting small stuff give me an excuse to procrastinate. I told them that I’m going to become a better person and asked them to watch and see if I am worth being around once I’ve become better.

Towards the end of the week, I started organising everything for my ex, as she was moving out on Sunday. I cleaned as much of her stuff as I could and made sure it was easier to move than had she gone in to do everything herself. Part of me is still looking for an excuse as to why I did this, but the reason is that I love her still. I had no obligation to do it and I’ll never know if she was grateful or not (not that it matters), but it at least made her life a bit easier. I also wrote a letter and kept it as civil as possible. I also tried to add a few laughs in as well so there wasn’t too much bad emotion. I also said that I would be honoured to be her friend as, even if I didn’t get another chance, I would at least be able to show her that I can be a good friend. I don’t think the letter was good in the end, but I do hope it was read. Maybe I’ll upload it here sometime.

I also started throwing things out that I had never really let go of. Things that didn’t bring back any good memories that I had no use for. I felt that it was time to let go of a lot of stuff as something I realised about myself is that whilst I would move on from pain in my life, I wouldn’t actually move on. It was a surface thing that I was trying to convince myself of whilst I still held on to a lot of negativity that I came across deeper inside of me. I realised that to change, I couldn’t keep holding onto this crap because not only was it affecting me, but also those around me.

When the move came, I went over to Ewe’s place and watched a film with him and one of his housemates (Si) whilst I waited for the move to be complete. Luckily Ewe lives next door to me (part of the reason why I moved to where I am), so it was much easier to tell when the moving was done.

We checked the house out once it was done. It was painful to see my ex’s stuff gone, but I knew it wasn’t going to be there forever. Si then took us for dumplings in China town. I was still hurting, but it felt really good to be eating with friends and talking nonsense so the emotions balanced out somewhat. They were good dumplings as well.

About Stupidity Hole

I'm some guy that does stuff. Hoping to one day fill the internet with enough insane ramblings to impress a cannibal rat ship. I do more than I probably should. I have a page called MS Paint Masterpieces that you may be interested in checking out. I also co-run Culture Eater, an online zine for covering the arts among other things. We're on Patreon!
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